Voldemort's Christmas
by Falcitus
Summary: Voldemort decides to throw a Christmas party! Rodolphus and Bellatrix are divorced.  Weird timeline.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, I would be J. K. Rowling.**

**Author's Note: Crackfic, anyone? AU in that Rodolphus and Bellatrix are divorced. Weird timeline.**

**Warning: Contains Bellatrix**

"The Dark Lord has decided that Christmas preparations will begin today. When you have finished breakfast, the Dark Lord will assign decoration duties for the day." Bellatrix ate very rapidly. Everyone else slowed down to almost glacial speed.

Half an hour later, Voldie declared that breakfast was officially over. "Rabastan, you will begin plum pudding production. NOW." Rabastan scurried into the kitchen. "Crouch, put the garlands on the banisters. Bella, you are to sit in the attic, organize the wrapping paper, and not destroy anything whatsoever. Rodolphus, buy the tree. Lucius, acquire some new ornaments. Narcissa, you will be in charge of making sure Rabastan doesn't put anything too strange in the pudding. I will wander around and check your progress."

"Which attic, Master?" asked Bellatrix anxiously.

"The third-best attic above my bedroom," replied Voldemort. She left.

"Do what I told you to do. And do it now."


	2. The Tree

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. I do, however, own the people selling the Christmas tree. **

**AN: AU for same reasons as Chapter One. This chapter involves out-of-character-ness. There would be more of it if Rodolphus had any canon characterization.**

**Warning: Contains axe-murderer.**

After breakfast was over—something that took much longer than it should have—Rodolphus left to buy the tree. There was a field nearby where someone claimed to be selling "Genuine American Fraser Firs." He Apparated over to the field and began to inspect the trees. A man wearing a shirt depicting a decorated tree walked over to him. "Can I help you? We have so many trees that it might be hard to choose," said the man.

"There aren't THAT many," replied Rodolphus.

"We have hundreds! Do you want a small one, a large one, a thick-branched one, a crooked one, a truly gigantic one? Of course there's going to be some difficulty choosing," said the man.

"The biggest one you have," said Rodolphus.

"I think you won't want _that_ one. It's so big that no one could fit it through the door. Nonetheless, I'll take you to it, shall I?" said the man. He started walking north. Rodolphus followed him. It was a long walk. They finally arrived at a tree that must have been more than twenty feet tall. "Is that too big?" asked the man.

"No. I'll take it," replied Rodolphus. He grabbed the tree, walked behind the tree company's office building, and Apparated back to Malfoy Manor. He walked into the building and deposited the tree in the ballroom.

"That was quite quick," said Lucius. "I expected you to take about an hour."

"I was _buying a tree_, Lucius. How long could that take?"

"Quite a long time. Was there only one suitable tree? In any case, you will come with me to buy a few more ornaments," replied Lucius.


	3. The Ornament

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any canon characters. I do, however, own the shopkeepers.**

**Author's Note: These shops are not meant to represent any real shops. **

Lucius and Rodolphus Apparated to the space outside a small shop with a sign that said "Holiday Decorations For All Seasons." They went in. "You want Christmas ornaments, I presume?" said the shopkeeper in an extremely melancholy tone of voice.

"Yes. Show us your selection," replied Lucius.

"They're all around the room. Wander around a bit, see if you like anything. You probably won't; no one buys anything here."

"This is a bloody awful shop! Look at that ornament over there. What's it supposed to be, an egg in a suit?" exclaimed Rodolphus. The shopkeeper glared at him.

"If you don't like my stuff, go buy someone else's. I suppose _you_ don't care whether I starve or not. None of them do."

Lucius was examining a small snake-shaped ornament. "Hmm…this might be good. How much is it?"

"Six pounds. It's on sale."

"What are these pounds you mention? _Avada kedavra!" _said Lucius. The shopkeeper, unsurprisingly, died. Lucius put the snake ornament into a bag behind the counter.

"Let's go somewhere else. This place has horrible stuff and the shopkeeper was a Muggle," said Rodolphus.

"Indeed." They Apparated to another shop, this one with cheesy plastic Father Christmas ornaments hanging in the windows. They went in.

"Father Christmas ornaments on sale! Ten for two pounds!" called the shopkeeper.

"Why do you keep picking Muggle shops?" demanded Rodolphus.

"There used to be a proper shop here," replied Lucius. "Evidently it closed down." They left.

When they returned to Malfoy Manor, they encountered Voldemort, who was standing in the doorway. "Why are you back? I told you to buy ornaments!" said Voldemort.

"We have enough ornaments, my lord," said Lucius.

"And Lucius kept going to Muggle shops," responded Rodolphus.

"What? If I ever catch you going to a Muggle shop again, Lucius, you will die!" screeched Voldemort.


	4. The Pudding

**Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor any of its characters.**

**Warning: Contains very strange pudding ingredients.**

Meanwhile, Rabastan was mixing his signature cake mix (it's best not to inquire on what was in the cake mix) with plums, cheap beer, maraschino cherries (according to him; judging by the smell, they were pickled), wheat flour, a cup of apparently rotten crabapples, and a currant. "We're out of almonds. Go buy as many as possible, Narcissa. The pudding won't work without them," said Rabastan.

"No. Do I look like a house-elf to you?" replied Narcissa. "I'll just go promenade around the garden while you cook, shall I?" With that, she left, leaving Rabastan grumbling.

"Well, the pudding will have to deviate from the recipe," said Rabastan. Seeing a rat scurrying past the stove, he scooped it up, stuck it in the pudding, and started stirring. Only after the rat had drowned in pudding batter did he notice the silver-looking front foot. He shrugged and continued stirring the batter. After a few minutes, he poured the batter into a cauldron that had held a potion a few hours earlier. He added butter, suet (the kind one buys for birdfeeders, judging by the package), a chopped pickle, and a few unfortunate ants.

Thirty seconds after the ants had gone in, Voldemort opened the door. "Where is Narcissa, and what are you putting in that pudding?" he demanded.

"Narcissa is promenading around the garden, my lord," replied Rabastan.

"And what is going into that pudding?"

"Ale, apples, plums, currant, cake mix, cherries, flour, butter, and suet. Anything you object to?"

"What is that, then?" Voldemort pointed to a protruding tail.

"Oh, a rat must have fallen in. I'll take it out." With that, Voldemort left. Rabastan continued stirring the pudding. After a few minutes, he poured vegetable oil onto a frying pan, turned the heat on, and poured the pudding into the pan. He left the room.

About an hour later, Rabastan returned to find the pudding thoroughly burnt. He put it in the icebox soaking in the rest of the cheap beer.


	5. The Attic and the Garlands

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Warnings: Exploding attic, out-of-character characters, characters who should not exist in this timeline.**

Bellatrix couldn't find the attic. There was one in the correct position, but there was no wrapping paper inside. She flicked her wand impatiently. The attic exploded.

After the attic had been demolished, covering the surrounding area with debris, Voldemort came up the stairs. "Bella! What did you do to my attic?" he said.

"There was no wrapping paper inside, Master."

"The Dark Lord told you not to destroy anything, _including attics. _You blew up the Dark Lord's attic."

"Please don't punish me, Master!"

"The Dark Lord will not. However, if anything the Dark Lord does not tell you to destroy is destroyed today, the Dark Lord will be very angry."

Meanwhile, Barty was poking a string through the side of a box. One end of the string was tied to the post at the top of the banister. After the string had been poked all the way through the box and tied to the other post, he began bundling garlands very loosely into the box. Bellatrix entered the room. "I thought you were in the attic," said Barty.

"What, exactly, are you doing to the Dark Lord's box?"

"Putting the garlands on with it. _Wingardium leviosa!_" The box flew into the air and swung wildly. One garland fell out of the box, but most of them stayed in.

Bellatrix flicked her wand, and the box split into pieces. The garlands fell out this time. None of them wound up on the banister.


End file.
